Letters to Tessa
by Team Jem Carstairs
Summary: While Jem and Tessa are separated, they send poems to each other as a way to communicate. Pretty cute, if I do say so myself. :
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I figured out how to write on here. :) Thanks to all reviewers, readers, anyone... especially Herz von Silber, who is my biggest fan (Ha. Kidding.) and gave me the idea for the story.**

**Disclaimer: I am not worthy to own anything, all love to Miss Cassie Clare!**

_I want to tell the world,_

_Lift up my voice to say:_

_You're the moon, the sun, the stars,_

_The only thing in my world today._

This was the third day in a row Tessa had received a poem like this, signed only "The London Institute." That didn't mean she didn't know whom it was from, however. She sighed. _Jem_. She thought longingly of him, missing him, wishing he were there with her.

Just three days Tessa had left the Institute in a fit of rage, furious with- who else- Will. He had insulted her for the last time, she argued, and ran to the only other Downworlder she knew (not counting de Quincey and the Dark Sisters, of course). This was, of course, Magnus Bane, warlock, who had graciously allowed her to stay for a week or two to work things out.

With a sigh and a shake of the head, Tessa pulled her long brown hair back with a few pins and got to work. She always wrote back to Jem, everyday, in the same poetic format.

After a few minutes Tessa stood up and rolled her small piece of paper into a roll, tying it to the leg of the white pigeon that carried messages back and forth between her and Jem. She stood up, opened the window and let the bird out. Only someone on the street with a very keen eye would have seen the tears that leaked from Tessa's eyes as she watched the bird fly away.

Jem was in his bedroom, playing the violin, when he became aware of a soft _tap tap_ at his window. Looking out, he saw the white pigeon he had dubbed Celeste sitting outside, head cocked and letter strapped to her leg. He smiled, placed his violin gently on his bed, and hastened to let the bird in. She fluttered to his dresser and perched on a book, holding her leg out so as to let Jem remove the letter. When he did, he saw the title of the book Celeste was on and smiled- it was _A Tale of Two Cities_. Without further ado, he sat down and read Tessa's note.

_Three days since I saw you,_

_Still more time left to go,_

_Though I cannot be with you,_

_I still want you to know:_

_When you see a lovely sunset,_

_Just know I see it too._

_And when I see the silver moon,_

_You know I think of you._

_When you hear a robin singing,_

_Remember that it's me._

_And know that no matter what,_

_Where you are, I will be._

_I ask you this: pick up your violin,_

_Play me a pretty song,_

_And someday when you wake up_

_I'll be back where I belong._

Jem smiled sadly. Tessa and he had just started to fall in love, and now it was taken away from him, if only temporarily. Ironically, the only thing that had kept him sane for the last three days was Will. He should be mad at Will, he thought, yet he wasn't. _Why is that?_ He wondered. _Is it that I don't want to be angry with my closest friend, really the _only_ friend I have left? Or do I just not blame him for what happened?_

Will was just being himself, after all. He, Jem, didn't even know what Will had said to Tessa to make her leave- Will had said plenty of horrible things to Tessa before, and she had never gotten so upset. Tessa refused to tell him what had transpired between the two of them, so it must have been bad.

_I do hope she is home in time for Christmas,_ Jem thought. _I want to be with her on the day that is all about being together with family, after all._ It was two weeks until Christmas. He looked out the window at the sun, which was just starting to set. He remembered the line about a sunset in the poem Tessa had sent him and smiled, a lone tear sliding down his pale cheek.

_Oh, Tessa, please come home._


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, more poetry. Yeah, it's all I ever write, but whatever. I like to think I'm good at it, disagree if you will. So here we go! Enjoy, and please review! *Remember: Thanks to Herz von Silber, who gave me the idea for this***

**Disclaimer: I guess I don't own the characters, but the poems are MINE. ALL MINE! Mwah-ha-ha-ha!**

_I have a secret,_

_But I'll never say_

_The person or thing_

_That made me feel this way._

_My lips are locked tight,_

_I won't speak a word,_

_Though at least I still write_

_Letters carried by this bird._

_I think I'm in love,_

_But you may ask "with who?"_

_Well, that's easy enough-_

_Tessa… it's with _you_._

Tessa couldn't seem to catch her breath when she read what Jem had sent her this time. It was now five days after Tessa had left the Institute, and she was pining for it- the sights, the sounds… and, of course, Jem. She hoped she could gather enough courage to return back for Christmas, but if she was asking for courage, she might as well hope that she would be able to face Will again, too. _Stop that,_ she chided herself. _You have nothing to be sorry for. It was Will's mistake and it should be his duty to fix everything._

When she had gotten over thinking about Will, she sat down to write to Jem. The white pigeon Celeste fluttered over to her, softly cooing as she landed on the desk and cocked her head to the side, as though asking: _Well? Are you going to tell him or not?_ Tessa smiled and patted the bird on the head. "Yes, I intend to tell him." With only a slight pondering of why she was talking to a bird, she began writing.

Jem was outside enjoying the last few rays of sunshine in the day when he heard wings fluttering. Opening his eyes, he saw Celeste land on the ground beside him. He smiled and fed the bird with a small piece of bread he had in his pocket. "Good girl," he whispered, watching her fly away. He held Tessa's letter in his pale, slender hands, wanting to open it but trying to work up the courage to. Sucking in a deep breath, Jem unrolled the note.

_I have a secret too,_

_But mine I can't confess._

_Though you might never know,_

_The pain is never less._

_Someday I will tell you,_

_No secrets will I keep,_

_At least you'll know before you die,_

_When you descend into dark sleep._

_For now be content with this, I beg,_

_It's all you have to do._

_Keep my words close to your heart:_

_Just know I love you, too._

**Just in case anyone out there is wondering, YES I know how this is going to end, YES I know what Tessa and Will fought about, and YES I know Tessa's secret. (And by the end of this, you'll know all those, too!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, people-who-are-reading-this! I know it's been a long time, but at first I couldn't think of the poem, and then, when I finally got it, I was away from technology, so I couldn't post. Sorry! Anyway, hope ya enjoy it! Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters (thanks, C squared!) but I take credit for the poem!**

Jem woke up slowly to the sound of soft cooing. Celeste was fluttering on his headboard, looking down at him with intelligent brown eyes. _Get your lazy butt out of bed and write to her_, she seemed to be saying. With a sigh, Jem smiled and rubbed his eyes. He had been having trouble sleeping, and it was evident in the dark circles under his eyes. He stood slowly, wincing; fighting demons with Will had been taking its toll on him, though he tried not to let it show.

He sat at his desk and put quill to paper, letting his feelings flow out of him and onto the parchment in elegant script. It took more out of him than it usually did; was it exhaustion or something else? _I will not think about it,_ Jem thought to himself. _I must just be tired. That has to be it._

Jem stood up and crossed to his window, looking out at the unforgiving grey sky. He realized with a start that the sun was high in the sky– it must be somewhere close to noon. _And no one's woken me? Odd._ Shaking his head, he tied the note to Celeste's leg and threw her outside, watching her flap away, a white smudge in the grey-ness.

Outside Jem's bedroom, though he didn't know it, Will was leaning against the door. He sighed, running a hand through his perpetually messy black hair and closing his midnight blue eyes. Jem wasn't doing so well lately, he knew, however Jem tried to hide it. There were many things Will regretted over the years– Cecily was only one of a long list– but hurting Jem was one of the worst. The poor boy asked for so little; Tessa was one of the few things he ever wanted, and Will had taken that away from him. _I think I hate myself,_ he thought with a frown.

His eyes snapped open and he stood up quickly. _I have to make this right. I can't ruin everything… can I?_

_I feel like something's missing,_

_But what, I can't decide._

_I can't begin to explain to myself_

_What it is I feel inside._

_Is it the longing for something exciting_

_As my time slips slowly away?_

_Is it the wish to be more like Will–_

_That is, just live day to day?_

_Is there something I want to accomplish?_

_Something that I want to do?_

_Now I've reached this great conclusion, Tess,_

_That all I want is you._

Tessa reread the poem Jem had sent her, smiling as a few tears ran down her cheeks. Jem was so sweet, so caring… so loving. _I don't deserve him,_ Tessa thought shaking her head, making a few curls fall out of the chignon at the back of her head. She reached out a hand to pat Celeste's feathery neck, barely listening to the soft _coo_ of her voice.

"You understand, don't you?" she asked the pigeon. "You know what it's like to want something you can never have? Something you don't deserve? Do you know what it's like to know you've done something terrible, something you can't admit? Even to the one you… love?" At the word "love", Tessa broke down in tears. She threw herself onto her bed, sobbing uncontrollably, not caring that her blue dress was wrinkling.

"Jem, oh, Jem," she cried, just his name, over and over, a litany of despair. She was no longer able to speak through the haze of tears, so she continued the refrain in her head. _I don't deserve you, Jem, I don't deserve you. Oh, Jem. _

It was only two days until Christmas, but for the first time, Tessa didn't write back to Jem.

**Next chapter will be up in a few days. It's gonna be a songfic instead of poetry, but I hope that's OK. See y'all then!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A'ight, here ya go. Songfic set to "Wish List" by Neon Trees- sad but cute. It's technically a Christmas song that I discovered late January. Not weird at all. Okay, here's some thanks- Thanks to Herz von Silber, who gave me the idea for this entire thingy; thanks to my fans, readers, reviewers and people who favorited this/ put it on alert; thanks to my bestest buddy Celeste (who goes by Tess), who doesn't care that I used her name for the name of a pigeon; and thanks to the song "Animal", also by Neon Trees, because "Wish List" was in the related videos section.**

**Disclaimer: Even more thanks to C Squared for giving me Jem and Will!**

**I've had a fire burning**

**Since the holidays began**

**I hear it's cold out where you're living**

**But it ain't colder than I've been**

Jem Carstairs sat alone in the Institute library, staring into the dying flames in the fireplace in front of him. It was Christmas Eve, two weeks since Tessa had left. He had hoped she would have returned by now, but obviously not. Didn't she care about him at all? Didn't she know how much Christmas with her would mean to him? _Of course she wouldn't, you never told her. And she loves you, you know that. _He sighed and shivered- the last remnants of the fire were doing little to warm him, and it was cold out. He stood and placed another log on the fire, watching it be consumed by the blaze.

**I've been an animal since you left me**

His thoughts were broken by the sound of Will coming up the stairs singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", sounding considerably intoxicated. Jem sighed. He really ought to apologize to Will, he knew, but he just couldn't make himself do it. It was only a few hours since Jem had confronted Will in the front hall, wanting to know what had happened between him and Tessa, hoping with that information he could make her come back. When Will refused to tell him, he got rather angry and yelled. Loudly. Just having Tessa be gone set him on edge, made him more likely to snap.

**I need you wrapped under my tree**

**My Christmas cheer is here and ready**

**But where are you to set it free**

He sighed again, sadly. If it were any other Christmas he would be with Will, slipping rum into his eggnog- "That's how you're supposed to do it," Will always said- singing and generally being merry. He could still muster up some Christmas spirit, of course, but not nearly as much as he could if Tessa were there. _Oh, Tessa, I wish you were here. You'd love it so much._

**I sit alone by the fire inside our home**

**Outside the snow is falling and I'm singing**

Jem shook his head to clear it of sad thoughts. _It's Christmas Eve, damn it, and here I am, sitting alone by the fire when I could be out with Will, or having dinner with Charlotte and Henry, or doing __**anything **__but sitting here pathetically. _He looked outside, at the window facing the city, looking through the snow for Magnus Bane's house. His shoulders fell when he realized he couldn't see it though the haze.

**Wish as I may, wish as I might**

**Grant me this one small wish**

**On Christmas night**

'**Cause I don't need candy**

**Or the toys from my youth**

**I just want you, oh darling, I just want you**

Jem stared into the fire, which was reflected onto his pupils. His silver eyes had gone nearly white, whether from the low light or something else, he didn't know. His skin was pale with only a spot of color high on his cheeks, as though he had a fever. He looked at the clock- it read 11:11. _Make a wish,_ he thought with a wry smile. He closed his eyes and wished as hard as he could: _Please, Tessa, please come home. If there was anything I wanted now, it would be you. I don't want anything else._ He cracked one eye open and peeked at the clock again- 11:12. He hoped he had had time to finish the wish before the time changed.

**I've had a candle burning**

**Hoping you'll come back to me**

With a quick flash of inspiration, Jem stood up and almost ran across the room. He lit a candle and placed it carefully in the window, hoping for two things: first, that Tessa would see it, and second, that she would know what it meant. He hoped she would remember what he had once told her: _If I lit one candle for every time I thought of you, I could light all of London for a day._

**I think this may be more than anything**

**Mr. Santa Claus can bring**

Jem looked outside once again- the snow seemed to be lightening a bit. _Lucky, I suppose. Maybe it'll work._ He tried to stop hoping, so as not to receive disappointment. Unfortunately it did not work. _James Carstairs,_ he told himself,_ stop thinking about her. Just __**stop**__. If she wants to come back, she will. Nothing you do will change that. Just go out, have fun, or do __**something**__ other than sit and wait. It is Christmas, after all._ He decided to put aside his pride and apologize. It wasn't Will's fault, after all.

**I was adorable when you left me**

**I'm on the naughty list this year**

**A lump of coal won't do it justice**

**It's all the loneliness I fear**

_Will- Sorry for earlier. Didn't mean to yell. I know it's not your fault she's gone. I just snapped, I don't know why. Hope you forgive me, because if you don't, being _parabatai_ is going to be really awkward from now on. –Jem _This note was slipped under Will's door- Jem might have the grace to apologize, but was still embarrassed enough by his outburst to write the note instead of saying something in person.

**I sit alone**

**By the gifts in our own home**

**You're not a single one**

**And now I'm singing**

Jem wandered downstairs, to sit by the huge tree in the front hall. He looked up at the soft green needles, the pretty white lights, and all the wrapped gifts _under_ the tree and sighed. The one he wanted wasn't there. Try as he might (and he did), he could not get Tessa out of his mind, so he stopped trying. He gave in to all the thoughts of her- memories, dreams, wishes. Shaking his head, he stood again and decided to go to bed. His bedroom was where it all began, after all. It was where he first met Tessa.

**Wish as I may, wish as I might**

**Grant me this one small wish**

**On Christmas night**

'**Cause I don't need candy**

**Or the toys from my youth**

**I just want you, oh darling, I just want you**

Jem was at his bedroom door, hand on the knob, before he remembered the candle burning in the library. He cursed silently and ran back. He opened the library's heavy oak door carefully and slipped in, relief flooding through him when he saw that the candle _hadn't_ tipped over or set the curtains on fire. With a small pang of hesitation, he blew out the candle and went back to his room.

**I'm not the Grinch**

**I'm not Mr. Scrooge**

**My heart just needs your light**

Collapsed on his bed, breathing hard (though he wasn't sure why he was out of breath), Jem stared at the door. It was right in that very spot where he first saw her. It was the middle of the night and he had been practicing violin. She opened the door, and when he turned around he was awestruck. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, so soft and sweet and innocent. Her pretty grey eyes were wide, and the light from the hall made her brown hair flame like a halo around her lovely face. Just as she brought light into the room, so she brought light into Jem's life, his heart, his mind. Will's problem was that he couldn't remove his sunglasses and appreciate the view.

**The only thing I'm doing**

**Is crying in my room and singing**

**I wish my baby would be with me**

**Tonight**

Jem couldn't look at the door anymore, all of a sudden. It hurt too much. He felt a tear run down his face, followed by more. It was only a few seconds before he was out-and-out sobbing into his pillow.

**Oh oo oh oo oh oo oh**

**Oh I've been so lonely**

His only consolation was that he wasn't alone- somehow Church, the blue-grey Persian cat he had rescued, found his way into Jem's room and kept him company as he cried. The cat curled up at Jem's side and stayed there, providing comforting warmth.

**Wish as I may, wish as I might**

**Grant me this one small wish**

**On Christmas night**

'**Cause I don't need candy  
Or the toys from my youth**

**I just want you, oh darling, I just want you**

Jem cried in peace for a few minutes before his tears ran out. He took a few deep, shuddering breaths and managed to calm down enough to sit up. This disturbed Church, who meowed in irritation but crawled into Jem's lap anyway. He stood, so to speak, on his back legs and rested his front paws on Jem's chest, cocking his head as though to say "You're okay now, right?" Jem smiled and scratched Church behind his ears. "Yeah, I'm okay, Church. At least, I am for now. At least you won't leave me, will you?" As if in reply, Church jumped off the bed and left, apparently feeling his job was done now that his master was okay. Jem's shoulders fell. Even the _cat_ left him alone. He smiled ruefully and laughed sadly, which turned into a cough.

**Oh oh oh**

**I just want you, oh darling, I just want you**

**Oh oo oh**

**I just want you, oh darling, I just want you**

If Will had been where he was supposed to be- that is to say, if he was in his bedroom- he would have heard Jem's hacking coughs. He would have rushed in and saw the blood on the floor. He would have gotten Jem's medicine and administered it. He would have made sure Jem was all right, all the while acting as though he didn't care one way or another. But Will wasn't in his bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

**This one's a little different. It's all 1st person, though it switches from Jem, Will and Tessa. There IS a poem, but it's free-verse, in case anyone cares. Huh. Don't know what else to put... Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, Cassie owns the characters... whatevs.**

**Jem**

I was drifting in and out of consciousness. I couldn't have told you where I was, or what day it was. I only felt the pain, the blistering fiery heat as the poison scorched my veins. It was pure torture, but at least it would be over soon. I would get better or I would die. Either way, I would win.

The only thing I could remember was Will– his hands, giving me the poison, my torture and my relief. There was a flash of midnight blue, and I could feel the strength of his gaze as he assessed my condition. The blackness of his hair was comforting– it made me feel that, just maybe, the darkness consuming me wasn't all bad.

There was a smudge of white, and I recognized Celeste, the carrier pigeon I had rescued and used to send letters to Tessa. I tried to reach out my arm and stroke her, but my bones were lead. I could not move. From here, it looked like Will was attaching something to Celeste's leg, but that was impossible. He couldn't have any use for a carrier pigeon, especially one that only really knew it's way to Magnus Bane's house and back.

Those were the last thoughts I had before I fell back into the ever-present darkness.

**Will **

I finished my… task, and returned to Jem's side. I wasn't sure he would make it this time. When I entered his room on the sole errand of making sure he was okay, I found him on the ground, too feeble even to cough up the blood that was filling his lungs. For a minute all I could do was hold him in my arms and think, "this is it. He's really going to die this time."

He was almost out of the woods, as I think he was closer to sleep than to just being unconscious now, but everything could change in a heartbeat. I would know; after Cecily, after _Tessa_–

Oh… Tessa. After everything, after what I did to her, I had no right to feel this way, but I can't help it. It hurt almost as badly as this guilt eating me away. Jem would forgive me, I know it, but he was so miserable. It was all my fault, and there was nothing I could do. Well, almost nothing, but if this plan didn't work, I was doomed. _Jem_ was doomed.

Since when did it get so complicated to just be me?

**Tessa**

I woke to the sound of Celeste knocking on my window. "Merry Christmas, my dear," I said as I let her in. She presented her leg, and I saw the note tied there. I scanned it quickly, but it wasn't poetic this time. It was short, saying only this: "_My dear Tessa– I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days. I've been quite ill, and I don't seem to be getting much better. I can only hope I have a chance to see you again. Please come home. –Jem"_

My heart almost broke. Jem, ill? I have to go to him! I didn't even take the time to pack my things, pitiful few though they were. I held this one letter, the newest, and raced out of Magnus Bane's house, down the street and towards the Institute. Celeste was flying behind me; I rather think she's grown fond of me.

I had to get home before it was too late.

**Jem**

I was roused from my illness-induced stupor by the sound of an angel. That is to say, I _saw_ an angel. Beautiful and deadly, her golden wings arched out behind her in a shimmering arc. I had never seen her before, this girl with Will's black hair but with emerald green eyes. When she spoke, I heard Tessa's voice, speaking to me:

_If someone had told me_

_That I would meet someone like you_

_So smart_

_So kind_

_So beautiful_

_I would never have believed them._

_If they had tried to explain_

_These feelings:_

_Your hand in mine_

_Your eyes meeting mine_

_Your smile answering my own_

_I would say "you're crazy."_

_If they tried to describe you_

_Your soft hair_

_Your big silver eyes_

_And that amazing smile_

_I could not begin to fathom it._

_If someone had told me_

_How much I would love you:_

_Your innocence_

_Your bright intelligence_

_Your playful sweetness_

_I could never have believed it._

_And yet, I love you._

I didn't know what to think. On one hand, it was Tessa's voice. On the other, how could Tessa know to be here, with me, at my bedside? I opened my eyes, squinting in the bright morning sun. To my shock and delight, Tessa _was_ there, at my bedside, holding my hand with both of her own. Her head was bowed, and she was murmuring words in another language. Latin, perhaps? It sounded like she was praying.

That was when I knew I was going to be okay.

**Tessa**

I was praying, as Aunt Harriet had taught me to do at someone's sickbed. I had done it before, but this time was with a renewed sense of urgency. I hope God could hear the silent words I was repeating in my head: _Don't die, Jem, you can't die. Jem, oh, Jem, you can't die, not before I could tell you how much I–_

I heard something then, something that made me look up. Jem's eyes were open, and he was looking at me with a kind of amazement. It took all my willpower not to shriek with glee. "Jem! Oh, you're okay! I was so worried!"

"You didn't have to be," he said, but put one hand to his head. He still looked quite ill, and his eyes were still too light of a silver to be normal, but at that moment I didn't care. "You saved me, you know. I heard your voice, just your voice, and I woke up to see you here."

"My voice? What was I saying?"

"Some sort of poetry, I believe."

I _had_ been speaking poetry, hoping Jem could hear me, and apparently he could. The poem wasn't a rhyming one, as I had to make it up on the spot.

"So how did you know to come back to me?" Jem asked.

"I got your letter."

Jem frowned. "What letter?"

**Oh snap! Cliffhanger! Sorry 'bout that... Here's a teaser to make up for it:**

"Because I love you!" Tessa shouted, watching as Will's eyes widened and he took a step back.

**One more thing: If anyone has read my other story, they might recognize Jem's angel. Just sayin'.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Well, here ya go! A new chapter. Hope it, er, clarifies some things. Enjoy, and PLEASE REVIEW.**

**Disclaimer: Oh, wow, I wish I did own Will and Jem! We'd have so much fun... ;)**

Tessa scrunched her eyebrows together. "The letter that–" she started to say, but then the door opened. It was Will, looking exhausted and perhaps a bit angry. "Tessa," he said, obviously fighting to keep his voice even. "May I speak to you in the hall?"

Tessa murmured an apology to Jem and slipped out the door of his bedroom, scowling at Will. "You had no right to do that," she hissed under her breath; she didn't want Jem to hear her.

Will's midnight blue eyes flashed. "I had _every right_. You were going to tell him about the letter!"

"Why shouldn't I have mentioned it? He wrote it!"

"No, he didn't! I don't want him to know that!"

Tessa was speechless. Jem hadn't sent the letter? Now that she thought about it, it wasn't his usual elegant script. Instead it was more of chicken scratch, but at first she chalked it up to his illness, and when she finished reading the letter, she no longer cared who wrote it, as long as she got to Jem in time. "Then… who did?"

"I did, of course! Don't you tell him that," Will said, apparently relishing the look of pure shock on Tessa's face.

"You… That was you? You told me to come back for Jem?"

"Of course I did! He wanted to see you again, and if I had signed my own name to that note, you would never have believed me. It was for his sake that I sent you that note, not for yours, and certainly not for _mine_."

**Jem's Room**

Jem, in his bedroom, was able to make out enough of the conversation between Will and Tessa to guess at what had happened. Will had sent Tessa some sort of note, signing it in Jem's name, that said Jem was ill. He should be angry that Will was deceiving Tessa in such a manner, but the small amount of anger he might have felt was overwhelmed by gratitude. Will had done something so selfless, just for Jem? _It must have hurt him so much,_ Jem thought,_ to beg Tessa to come back after whatever had happened between them, even though he was pretending to be me. Thank you, Will._

**The Hallway**

Tessa glared at Will. "That you have the nerve to speak to me like that! I should never have come back! In fact, if it wasn't for Jem, I would leave right now and never return, and if I never saw you again, it would be too soon!"

Will set his jaw in a hard line, trying not to return her angry outburst. He didn't want to yell at her, he hated doing it, but sometimes he thought it was the only way she would listen. Of course, that wasn't true– Jem only had to speak in soft, hushed tones and Tessa would be listening intently. _Perhaps yelling is the only way__** I**__ can get her attention. She truly doesn't like me._ He tried not to let Tessa see how miserable that last thought made him.

Tessa saw the hurt in Will's eyes, though he was trying to hide it. She almost lost her composure then, almost broke down, just like last time– _No! I will not be so weak as to allow that to happen again! I can't leave again, but I don't think I could ever look at him after that…_

**Jem's Room**

Jem winced at the tone of Tessa's voice. She was furious, that was evident enough, but there was a sort of pleasure to his words, as though she enjoyed hurling them at Will. _She really does like it,_ he realized. _Just as Will finds some sick pleasure in getting his feelings out by screaming them, Tessa truly enjoys making Will squirm, as he probably is._ Will was not used to people yelling back at him, as Jem hardly ever did so. He sighed; Tessa was more like Will than she wanted to admit, and that was why they were always clashing with each other. That was some of why Jem loved her– the same moxie he admired in Will was present in Tessa, and it made him feel like he already knew her.

**The Hallway**

Tessa wanted to scream at Will some more, just seeing the sadness on his features be replaced with cool amusement. _Don't you dare look at me like that, Will Herondale,_ she thought, only realizing a moment later that she said the words aloud.

"Like what?" Will asked, grinning.

"Like _that_! Like I am just a toy you can amuse yourself with until you grow bored of me! I'm not yours to claim, William, so _don't_ look at me like that ever again," Tessa finished, chest heaving with breathlessness.

Will looked as though he had been slapped. "Tess–"

"And that's another thing– my name is _Tessa_! Maybe I'll let someone call me Tess, but not you, certainly not you! After what you did, when I left, you shouldn't dare to presume you can–"

"What I did? Are you placing the blame on me alone?"

"Yes, I am! You started it!"

"How childish," Will said with a manic gleam in his eyes. "Perhaps I did, but remember– _you kissed me back_."

**In case I was being too vague, that's why Tessa left. She was pissed that Will kissed her (and as this is non-canon, I'm not talkin' about the attic scene). Sorry if it was anti-climactic, and sorry this was short. It looked a lot longer in Word...**


	7. Chapter 7

**This is the second-to-last chapter; actually, it is the last, but there's going to be an epilogue. I hope you enjoyed it, I know I enjoyed writing it. Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited and put-on-alerted this story. Also thanks to Shakespeare and Charles Dickens for the quotes. I apologize this took so long, but I couldn't think of the poems, and then I was just too lazy... sorry.**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own these *sob* wonderful characters, but I do take credit for the poems... unless they suck. Then I abandon them.**

Tessa's grey eyes widened almost absurdly. She took a step back, genuinely taken aback. "Yes, I did, but _it was a mistake_. I do _not_ like you, William Herondale, and I cannot pretend to. I'm sorry that I left, but I'm glad that I got the chance to _get away from you_." She turned around and stormed away, slipping into Jem's room with (much to her annoyance) Will following close behind. She tried to smile, but knew it came out more as a weak grimace. "Sorry, Jem, didn't mean to be so long."

Any hope she might have had that Jem didn't hear the conversation in the hall was shot down as soon as she saw his face. It was pale and drawn, as it had been since he woke up, but now he looked disbelieving, sad, and possibly a bit angry. "Jem, I can explain–"

"Can you? I'd love to hear the explanation, then," he said dryly, which anyone who knew him would find quite unusual.

Tessa faltered. "I– I think you, um, know what happened…"

He sighed. "Yes. I know. Question is, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think I needed to–"

"Didn't _need_ to? You didn't think I ought to know that you made out with my best friend?"

"I just didn't want to tell you–"

"And why is that?"

His voice was colder than she had ever heard it, which for some reason made her angry. Why was he being like this? Why was he refusing to listen to reason? She stood fluidly and yelled, "because I love you!" She waved her arms wildly, watching as Will's eyes widened and he took a step back toward the door, clearly hoping to escape. "I love you, Jem, and I didn't want to hurt you! Will kissed me, not the other way around, and I did push him away! It's why I had to leave, don't you see? I didn't want to see him, still don't want to see him –" She paused to glare at Will, who took the hint and left. "But I came back, because you were sick and I wanted to see you."

He nodded, looking a little sheepish. "Thank you for telling me the truth… I apologize for acting like such a– such a–" He looked around, as though waiting for a bad enough word to swoop down and claim him. As no such word did, he continued speaking. "Anyway, I do love you, Tessa, and I don't want to hurt you."

Tessa smiled through the suddenly-there tears in her eyes. "Jem," she said softly, just to hear the way his name sounded against her ears. She took a seat next to Jem, on his bed, and leaned closer. Their lips met softly, tentatively– neither was practiced enough to be more concrete about it. Jem lifted a shaking hand and stroked Tessa's hair, while she ran her fingers through the damp silver hair that started to curl against the nape of his neck. He smiled against her lips, which opened automatically beneath the pressure, and as pleasant as it felt, he had to pull away. He was breathing heavily, and his heart was hammering like a jackrabbit beneath his ribs.

"_I never knew how difficult_

_It would be to say goodbye,_

_It's too hard to stop loving you,_

_So I'm not going to try,"_ he murmured, searching her face hungrily with his curious silver eyes. He couldn't look at her enough, and if her lived forever, he could never get bored of her. It hit him– _she_ had forever. It was only he whose time was running out of time, only he who cutting their time together short. She blushed, casting her gaze down to her hands, folded in her lap, Jem's rested atop them.

"_I don't mean to be so forward,_

_It's not like me at all,_

_But I just wanted you to know_

_There's a long way we can fall._

_This might not be the best idea,_

_We seem to be in quite a bind,_

_I'm giving you a chance to just say "no",_

_A chance to change your mind._

_I'm not budging, never fear,_

_I'll love you ever more,_

_I just want you to think this through_

_Before we shut the door."_

Jem widened his eyes, amused. "You think I need a chance to change my mind? I don't. I will never change my mind, because I love you, Tessa, more than anyone I've ever known, even more than Will."

"That's good, because I love you more than I love Will, too," she retorted, making him laugh, though he clutched his stomach and winced. "Oh. Shouldn't have done that."

"So… _can_ we shut the door?" Tessa asked boldly, and Jem nodded. She smiled coyly– most unlike her and made sure there was no one in the hall before she shut the door and crawled back into bed with Jem. Tessa Gray, the before-two-weeks-ago-had-never-been-kissed quasi-warlock, who until recently was full of inhibition, wrapped her arms around Jem and crushed her lips to his, reveling in the softness, the honey-sweet taste of his mouth, mixed with the coppery taste of blood. Jem, on his part, was enjoying the smoky flavor that was Tessa, something familiar and safe, but also somehow new and exciting; the mélange pleased him to no end.

"'I'll follow you and make a Heaven out of Hell, and I'll die by your hand which I love so well,'" Jem quoted. "Shakespeare knew what he was talking about."

"'I wish you to know that you have been the last dream of my soul,'" Tessa replied, "so it seems that Charles Dickens knew love as well."

"_A Tale of Two Cities._ Of course."

"Do you disapprove?"

"I could never disapprove of you," Jem said quietly, leaning in to kiss Tessa once more.

**Review, because if I don't get 5 more reviews, I do not post epilogue! Then you're all alone in the dark, never knowing what happens next! LOL!**


	8. Epilogue

**This is the epilogue, the end, the omega of my poetry. For the record, I think it SUCKS, but, you know, I'm dealing. I know how much you all want this, and thanks to the 7 or 8 people who reviewed in the 24 hours since I posted the last chapter. I love you all. :) Final thanks: Herz von Silber, who originally gave me the idea for this but has since disappeared; all my lovely fans who swore to hurt me if I didn't hurry up with this; my friend Celeste, who was supportive of me for this (by the way, her nickname is Tess... and she has a brother named Nate, LOL); and most of all Cassie Clare, for giving me Will and Jem (sorry, Tessa, I think I could care less about you compared to those two). Love you all!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, C squared owns all. Except my poetry. ;)**

**The Day of Jem's Funeral, London, 1881**

I took a deep, shuddering breath and closed my tear-filled eyes. It was so hard to look at that beautiful face, peaceful in death, that I had fallen in love with. It wasn't just his face I loved, but all of him, his sweet nature and good humor. If anyone deserved Heaven, it was the angel in front of me. People always say Heaven and the angels are all gold, but just one look at Jem in front of me and I know they're wrong. Heaven isn't gold. It's silver.

My mind was racing, thinking back to all those times we had spent together– our first kiss was only one of them, in his bed (which was so improper, not that I cared at the time) right after we found each other again. I shook my head sadly; I was barely nineteen, and Jem was but twenty, cut down in the prime of his life by that infernal poison. Was it really only two years ago that we first came together?

**Two Years Ago, on Tessa's Seventeenth Birthday**

Jem flashed in my mind, the night I turned seventeen. We were in his room, and things… got a bit out of hand. I hardly knew what was happening until I saw Jem's face hovering over me, his eyes bright with concern, his fine silver hair curling in damp silky strands around his face. His skin was soft, in sharp contrast to those hard coils of muscle. We were both covered in a light sheen of sweat.

"Are you sure, Tessa?" he asked me carefully. I wasn't sure, not completely, but I loved and trusted him, so I nodded. "Yes, Jem."

"I'll be careful," he promised, and we joined as one for the first time. It hurt, and I think I cried out, which of course had Jem worried about me. I assured him I was fine, but he refused to touch me for a week. "I'm a Shadowhunter," he explained. "I have runes to keep me strong. I need to be sure I'm not going to hurt you."

"The only way you're hurting me is by not touching me!" I insisted, and he relented. "I do love you, you know," he said softly, still worried.

"I love you, too, Jem," I agreed. That was the closest we ever came to fighting.

**One Week Ago**

"Tessa," Jem called. I had been heading to my room, but I suppose he heard my footsteps in the hallway and wanted to see me. I came to his side instantly– he was sick, and if he wanted to see me, I would comply. 'Tessa, I've tried to get around this, but I can't bring myself to lie to you, and I don't want to catch you unawares. I'm not going to get better," he confessed sadly. "I'm dying."

Ice flooded my veins. "No," I whispered, hating the way my voice shook and cracked. "No, you can't be. I can't lose you, Jem."

"Tessa," he breathed, and I could see that every word was hard for him to say. Already he was out of breath, and his beautiful eyes were white. "Would I lie to you?"

My lips trembled. "N- no," I said, and then started sobbing. I couldn't lose him, but it was too late. He was going to be gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. He took my hand in both his own when he spoke next.

"_I'll suffer this crucifixion,_

_I'll flee the lion's den,_

_For if love is just a fairy tale,_

_Please read it once again."_

I quieted down, letting the tears dry on my face. "That was… beautiful."

He smiled, continuing when he saw that his words had pleased me:

"_I'll just close my eyes,_

_My heart, I know you'll keep,_

_If love is just a dream,_

_Then I'll go back to sleep."_

I sat and could only stare in wonder. "You have the most beautiful way with words, James. How does one even learn such a thing?"

"You need inspiration, and I have you. What could work better than that?"

"_You can take my life, you stole my heart,_

_You can even have my name._

_Take everything I've ever had,_

_And I'll love you just the same._

_I love you so, and I don't know_

_What I'll do when you're gone,_

_It'll hurt just to remember you,_

_But hurt more to move on._

_I know I have forever,_

_But that's just many years_

_To think of you and wish_

_That I could dry these tears," _I burst out on the spot. He looked taken aback, but didn't say anything, just pulled me into his arms and kept me there, I cried into his shirt, and I swore a felt more than a few tears dry in my hair; he was crying, too.

**Now**

Now I am alone. Those two memories burned strongest in my heart, in my mind: the day we gave ourselves fully to each other, and the day he warned me he was dying. One happy memory, one sad. There were dozens, hundred, thousands of other moments, however big or small, to fit the "gleeful" or "mournful" categories. All of them, though, were tinted with that sweet taste of love, the knowledge that, _yes_, there is another person who knows exactly who you are and doesn't even care. I knew the truth of his illness, but why should I care? He was still the same beautiful Jem that I had fallen in love with. He didn't think I was a monster or a freak, despite what even I believed. He just saw… me, the brown-haired, grey-eyed girl with a hot temper and a loving heart.

I think Will and I may grow closer, but not in _that_ respect. I'm sure we remind each other of the silver angel we both loved, but he understands my pain like no other person ever could. I caught him crying earlier, but instead of trying to hide it, or deny it, he just let me hold him as we both sobbed.

I'm going to leave London, and travel with Magnus. He is willing to take me anywhere, to make new friends, see new places, and just try to forget the pain. I will never forget Jem, but I can hope I will not always remember this heartbreak.

He was my life, but now he's gone.

I can never love again, nor do I want to.

I love you, Jem.

I can only hope to see you again someday.

**The End. I want to say goodbye, but I won't, so Mizpah to you all. Ave Atque Vale, Jem Carstairs.**


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